butch and femme

I'm here in this sort of encased state of mind. It's Saturday and I'm off, enjoying my time with my hunny. She's such an incredible singer and I want to share it with the world. Speaking of which...for me my American Idol winner is .........Elliot Yamin! We love you Elliot! He was the most talented singer, way better than Taylor Hicks! He's the one who should be parading around like the mack daddy he is. Whoo hoo! In other news, I've been on hiatus only due to not having anything to say.

But now I do....maybe. Go Dixie Chicks! Bust that stereotype about country being stupid and Bush loving. Their new album is amazing and no less capable of bringing non-country fans to them than bush haters. Anyway, they are sounding as good as ever and it's about time they come back around to give us the goods on extraordinary music playing since their last album. Another shout out to the premiere of X-men III-the last stand.....worth going through the first two. The thing I love about the X-men series is that it's about normal people who happen to have mutations. You got Magneto, the first villian I have ever empathized with and Charles Xavier, his old friend. It shows more humanistic qualities than any other comic book based movie. That's what I liked about the interaction between Jean Grey and Wolverine. Also the gay subtext of "coming out" and rejecting the different. Surely everyone can relate to that.

So, yeah, I'm trying to get back into writing. I don't want to lose my artsy side to nursing school. I don't ever think I'm ever going to stop being artsy. I'm also getting in the mood to play guitar and sing and possibly write song. We'll see. Until then, good day!

I'm finally employed!!

So far so good. Right now I'm bagging groceries @ Whole Foods which is not so bad. The days go by quickly and last Sunday we were busy most of the day. The people are really nice and encouraging. I'm glad to be in the workforce again. It is hard to start a new job, but with confidence and determination, I'm sure I'll do well. It's a process like anything else. I intend on getting better and better at bagging. One place that sucks at bagging is Target. I swear they are all bad and wasteful. Oh, most snobby people want paper bags. Of course, they have to be more difficult on us. The customers seem decent, but these people are rich and I am bound to run into some spoiled debutantes. I'm used to that from Plano. At Starbucks, however, everyone was cool. We'll see. Have a Happy April!!!

sorry...been caught up in getting a job

So, yeah. I have a job interview for Whole Foods tomorrow and I'm a bit nervous, but I really have nothing to lose. I still have this Kohl's job...kinda, but I still need to have faith in the universe. Anyway, I've been doing that and studying really hard for this Biology class. Sheesh, there is so much to remember. I just want to take the test and get on with it. We had to dissect squid, clam, crawfish, and earthworm. Yummy! It's so gross. After tomorrow, I will be relieved or worried. I will be relieved either way. Go, Ili. Thursdays are good days! Have a great day! Sorry Jenny. I have nothing funny...except my trying to be a college student. ha...ha.

my feet hurt

Damn retail. Always hurting my feet. Anyway, I feel like I cannot escape Kohl's. Oh the joy that is my job. One thing I do like about it is that you can totally zone out and still do your job efficiently. Customers will always be stupid, esp. white, older women. This one got so excited about rugs she slapped my arm really hard. No apologies. RUGS. Damn. Must be nice to do nothing but shop at one in the afternoon. I had to push this huge cart full of stuff from the customer service desk and there was this sign in front of me. I rammed it and said. "excuse me maam," as a joke and people panicked at first but then started laughing. I thought it was funny, too. I wish it would have been a real "maam." Retail does make me laugh more than corporate jobs. I have less pressure to succeed. I work with some fun people, which is cool. And Kohl's does have cool things.

In response to marriage. I haven't found that many straight or gay couples that should get married anyway....so I'm just going to say, be kind, rewind, and pass the time.

Reaping what you sew

I was talking to my dad's wife about my grandmother last night and something she said struck me. She said that my grandmother feels so alone and depressed. That wasn't what struck me. What struck me was when Sylvia said that my grandmother feels that way due to the fact that she spent most of her years alienating everybody, pushing them away with judgment, complaining, and outright rudeness. Her husband is deaf and cannot take care of himself. The only son that has taken care of her she shuns, constantly reminding everyone that she didn't want another son (My father). Her family doesn't want to hang out with her. Of course! She IS alone. Then I thought about how I've done that to so many people, almost involuntarily. How I've judged one person for one reason or another. I've jeopardized my relationships with negativity. I've dated negative people that have sucked the life out of me. I've done so much to make people feel like shit. It is now that I'm sorry. The ironic part is that I found someone so unlike myself and my past who has unintentionally showed me what it's like to be a happy, understanding, and a thoughtful human being.

I don't want to be my grandmother. I don't want to come to the end of my life, scared, depressed, and guilt-ridden. It takes a process, but I want to be a better person full of forgiveness, surrender, and energy to begin again. How do you want to see the end of your life?

Mmmm goals, goals, goals

The hardest part about moving on with life is letting go of the past, especially if you were happiest back then. That is why when I feel like that I give myself a bunch of goals to get me thinking about hopeful things. My goals are these (in no particular order):

1. Continue school throughout the summer
2. Transfer to U.T. Austin
3. Get my Bachelor's in Nursing
4. Lose 30 lbs. by the end of the year
5. Travel, travel, travel
6. Read at least ten books this year
7. Visit new places in Dallas
8. Move to Austin


There is so much I want to do and I have no time to waste. What are your goals?

the ex-smoker, the hypocrite

Okay, I'm willing to take responsibility for my coming across as the hypocrite ex-smoker, but honestly I have more of a say in this whole smoking matter. I know both sides. For one, I have NEVER seen a happy smoker, EVER. People, you cannot honestly tell me that you have because if you are....well you would love yourself enough to NOT smoke. I can vouch for the fact that all my years of smoking, I was incredibly unhappy. I can't say that being in love with someone hasn't helped me quit. However, I agree that people need to make their own choices. I'm making the choice to be smoke-free for MY health. You have the choice to do what you want, but when you don't give us the choice to be smoke-free, you are going against what you believe in: Choice. If a smoker is going to choose smoking over hanging out with good friends, there is a problem. We are reaching thirty years of age. I had an epiphany last night at the restaurant when I saw a couple of teen agers almost half of our age smoking like it is the coolest thing in the world. Lets face it. We're has beens. It is time to take the biggest risk of all....growing up. This is life and death. Just because you think you have plenty of time to quit, live, etc. does not mean you do.

I'm the "angry smoker" and I'm angry for starting in the first place. However, it is a great feeling to know that you have a CHOICE in whether you are going to continue to do so or if you are going to quit. It is difficult. I don't pretend to think it is not. I see it as this, though:

I'm getting too old for this crap. I want to LIVE and breathe.